We were tasked with drawing these four things from out of a hat and given less than 10 hours to write a complete adult comedy play, which would be performed the very next night. These are the things that I drew from the hat, and here's how I turned them into a play.
1st Line: “When did you first notice something was wrong?”
Object on stage: A crystal ball
Location: An attic
Writing parts for 1 female actor and 2 male actors.
Female Actor: Datheria Moonbeam Dragonshield…Psychic, Medium, Tarot Reader and Charlatan.
Male Actor 1: Danny “Speed” McClaron…a mid 20 or 30-someting, fast talking con man with daddy issues.
Male Actor 2: Hodges Laramy…a ghost, as well as Danny’s son-of-abitchin’ dead father who ends up having an affair with his soon-to-be-exdaughter-in-law and Danny’s soon-to-be-ex wife.
The scene opens upon a shop with large sign hanging over a glass counter. The sign reads, “THE PSYCHIC ATTIC TAROT SHOP & SECOND-SIGHT CRYSTAL BALL EMPORIUM.” The interior of the shop is dark and mysterious, with long curtains on either side of a glass counter, and various sized jars of different colored liquids and dried herbs visible on the shelves. The top of the counter is overflowing with books of all sizes. In front of the counter, there is a round table with two adults seated on either side; a female dressed in colorful scarves, gaudy jewelry, and either a long flowing dress or hippie skirt. She has a head scarf, and speaks with a thick, fake stereotypical Romanian-esque type accent. The other is a male, in his mid 20’s or 30’s, dressed like he couldn’t care any less if he tried. In other words, schlumpy. In the middle of the table on a small pedestal is a large crystal ball. Off to the side of the table, a small, fringed lamp.
Datheria: Ven did you first notice something vas wrong?
The man is clearly uncomfortable in this type of setting. He won’t make eye contact with the medium, and figits in his seat.
Danny: I don’t know, I guess I just noticed. I don’t know how to explain it.
Datheria: Did she act differently? Dress nicer? More…revealing…like zis, perhaps? She pushes the sides of her shirt together, creating make-shift cleavage and shimmy’s her shoulders in an overly dramatic way. She then laughs loudly and takes a set of Tarot cards from her pocket (or purse, or satchel) and sets them on the table with flourish.
Danny: She’s been gone a lot lately. She says she feels…neglected. Who the hell knows why?
Datheria: Ven vas the last time you took her out for some dancing? A little vine perhaps, a plateful of expensive, beautiful food, some vrrroomance?
Danny: I take her out all the damn time. We went out to The Dusty Nugget two weeks ago for their pool tournament. And I took her to Burger King for breakfast last week. She had one of those eggy thingys with coffee.
Datheria: My my, such the vrrroomantic you are.
Danny: Hey, forget aboutit! I work real hard to make sure she has a place to hang her damn hat! I shouldn’t have to keep trying to impress her once we’re living under the same roof and the ring is on her finger, right?
Datheria: You know, ven your mouth is not open, you could be a very attractive man…sort of. Or maybe not, who knows, I may be wrong, in fact I think I might be wrong, right?
Danny: What? I didn’t catch any of that.
Datheria: Yes, of course you didn’t catch any of that, I vasn’t pitching it slow enough for your brain…no? She proceeds to shuffle the cards, with wild, manic hand gestures. She closes her eyes, inhales deeply…then suddenly she throws back her head and starts to convulse in her chair.
Danny: Hey, hey there now, are you ok?
Datheria: (suddenly stops convulsing and casually resumes her card shuffle) I am fine. The spirits are just restless within. Anyvay…you are here to discover the truth of your vrrroomantic situation, correct? It is driving you to distraction. You must know…is she…? Or is she not…?
Danny: Alright then, let’s do it already!
Datheria: Oh no no no, my little owl dropping. You must never become impatient with the cards, for the fates will turn your world upside DOWN! As she yells the word down, the lamp (and lights) flicker…and a loud, ghostly groaning noise can be heard just offstage, in the shadows.
Danny: What the hell was THAT?
(In this next exchange, Danny pronounces Vase- vaaaz)
Datheria: I don’t know vhat that vas!
Danny: You what in the vase?
Datheria: No…I said I don’t know VHAT that VAS!
Danny: I still can’t understand you. Was that a breaking vase?
Datheria: I said I vas…(She then slips out of her accent, and proceeds with a normal, annoyed voice)…oh for love of spiritual peace and friggin’ unity, I said I don’t know what that sound was!
Danny jumps up from the table, pointing at Datheria and yelling.
Danny: You…you FRAUD! You don’t even HAVE an accent.
Datheria: Fine. You got me, Einstein. That amazingly accurate accent was totally bogus. But I can still really sense and see otherworldly things, THAT part is true.
She looks up at the ceiling.
Sometimes.
She clears her throat.
Once in a while.
She looks down at her hands, examining her nails. Finally she looks up at Danny.
Ok, twice, but the first time I’d eaten a bunch of mushrooms, so truthfully, I’m not really 100% on what I saw.
Danny: Is your name really even Datheria Moonbeam Dragonshield?
Datheria: Is ANYONE’S name EVER really Datheria Moonbeam Dragonshield?
Danny: So is anything about you on the up and up?
Datheria: A lot of things. But I think we should focus on our “guest” for the time being.
Danny: So what do we do? Do you have any holy water?
Datheria: Why, do you want me to baptize you?
Danny: No, for the presence, the ghost. For the thing making all the noise.
Datheria: You want me to baptize the thing making all the noise?
Danny: God woman, do you even know what you’re doing?
Datheria: Calm down. I mean, if you hadn’t noticed, I do own a tarot shop with lots of books, and since the bottom went out of the tarot and fortune telling business back in 2003, I’ve actually had quite a bit of time to read my own books. We simply need to find out what the spirit wants.
Danny: How do we do that?
Datheria: I think the best way is to probably start by asking. The groaning begins again, much louder this time, and we see finally see the figure of a man (ghostly in some cliche sort of way) emerge from the shadows on the side of the stage into view. (stage right or left is up to the director)
Datheria: Spirit, who are you? Why do you come here to this…she looks around her shop…realm? Is there anything I can do to help you on your spiritual journey?
HL: My name is Hodges Laramy, and I’m here to see my son, so we can just dispense with all the politically correct pleasantries. I’ve got a schedule to keep. Let’s go, tick tock!
Datheria: Wonderful. The second time I’ve ever seen a spirit, and it has to be an impatient jerk-off. Brilliant. She throws up her hands.
Danny: Pops? Is that you?
HL: Yeah boy, it’s me.
Danny motions to the only other empty seat.
Danny: You want to sit down?
HL: Nope, I’m hoping this won’t take long. I’m actually coming from Laverne’s.
Danny: “Laverne's?” Is that what they call heaven? Or hell in your case. I mean, you were a salty-mean, son-of-a-bitch.
HL: I’m not in hell, you idiot. And “Lavernes” is not heaven, you uneducated moron. Laverne’s is where I’m living, as in your soon-to-be-ex wife’s new place. That’s why I’m here. To tell you we’re moving in together.
Danny: What? What in the…Datheria! What the hell’s going on?
Datheria: Actually, my real name is Brenda…so you can start calling me that now, ok? I’m not one hundred percent here, but I think your dad came back from the dead to shack up with your soon-to-be-ex wife.
Danny: Isn’t that illegal or something? How is that even possible?
Datheria, now Brenda: I’m not really sure what the rules are, maybe you CAN come back if you want.
Danny: Well then, why doesn’t everyone just come back?
Datheria, now Brenda: Have you seen what’s going on in the world? The Planet’s on fire, and humans just sit around on their haunches roasting toxic, GMO marshmallows. Who in their dead, right minds would want to come back to this?
HL: Ok, I’ve heard enough of this liberal, snowflake, silk panty wearin’, sensitivity training crap! I told Laverne I’d take care of this…I did…now I’m off to pick her up at the airport.
Danny: The airport? Why the hell does a ghost need to fly on a plane?
HL: Grow up son, we’re headed to Mazatlan. Why the hell wouldn’t I fly?
HL moves away toward the shadows, and utters one last exaggerated ghostly wail.
Danny: Diphtheria…
Datheria, now Brenda: It’s Datheria, not Diphtheria, but it’s really just Brenda now.
Danny: Brenda…what the hell? Did my dead son-of-a-bitchin father just shack up with my soon-to-be-ex wife?
Datheria, now Brenda: Yes, he did. But look on the bright side.
Danny: The bright side?
Datheria, now Brenda: Yes, the bright side -she answers rather impatiently- it’s the side that faces the sun the longest. She fans out the tarot cards. Now pick a card, any card.
Danny: Fine, ok, this one. He points to a card, she picks it up with dramatic flourish and reads it out loud.
Datheria, now Brenda: It says here that you owe me $65 for today’s amazing, enlightening session. Danny abruptly stands up.
Danny: You’re charging me $65 to hear about my dead, son-of-a-bitchin’ dad shacking up with his soon-to-be-his-ex daughter-in-law, my now soon-to-be-ex wife? Take me to court! He angrily storms off the stage.
Datheria, now Brenda, looks down and smiles, humming as she gathers up the cards and stacks them next to the crystal ball. Then she stands up walks toward the front of the stage where she mimes turning a sign in a display window. The song “Another Pleasant Valley Sunday”, begins playing in the back ground.
Datheria, now Brenda: And zere goes anozer happy coostoomerrr who gets just vat he deserves.
She begins humming (or singing) along with the song.
The stage goes dark.
Fini
1st Line: “When did you first notice something was wrong?”
Object on stage: A crystal ball
Location: An attic
Writing parts for 1 female actor and 2 male actors.
Female Actor: Datheria Moonbeam Dragonshield…Psychic, Medium, Tarot Reader and Charlatan.
Male Actor 1: Danny “Speed” McClaron…a mid 20 or 30-someting, fast talking con man with daddy issues.
Male Actor 2: Hodges Laramy…a ghost, as well as Danny’s son-of-abitchin’ dead father who ends up having an affair with his soon-to-be-exdaughter-in-law and Danny’s soon-to-be-ex wife.
The scene opens upon a shop with large sign hanging over a glass counter. The sign reads, “THE PSYCHIC ATTIC TAROT SHOP & SECOND-SIGHT CRYSTAL BALL EMPORIUM.” The interior of the shop is dark and mysterious, with long curtains on either side of a glass counter, and various sized jars of different colored liquids and dried herbs visible on the shelves. The top of the counter is overflowing with books of all sizes. In front of the counter, there is a round table with two adults seated on either side; a female dressed in colorful scarves, gaudy jewelry, and either a long flowing dress or hippie skirt. She has a head scarf, and speaks with a thick, fake stereotypical Romanian-esque type accent. The other is a male, in his mid 20’s or 30’s, dressed like he couldn’t care any less if he tried. In other words, schlumpy. In the middle of the table on a small pedestal is a large crystal ball. Off to the side of the table, a small, fringed lamp.
Datheria: Ven did you first notice something vas wrong?
The man is clearly uncomfortable in this type of setting. He won’t make eye contact with the medium, and figits in his seat.
Danny: I don’t know, I guess I just noticed. I don’t know how to explain it.
Datheria: Did she act differently? Dress nicer? More…revealing…like zis, perhaps? She pushes the sides of her shirt together, creating make-shift cleavage and shimmy’s her shoulders in an overly dramatic way. She then laughs loudly and takes a set of Tarot cards from her pocket (or purse, or satchel) and sets them on the table with flourish.
Danny: She’s been gone a lot lately. She says she feels…neglected. Who the hell knows why?
Datheria: Ven vas the last time you took her out for some dancing? A little vine perhaps, a plateful of expensive, beautiful food, some vrrroomance?
Danny: I take her out all the damn time. We went out to The Dusty Nugget two weeks ago for their pool tournament. And I took her to Burger King for breakfast last week. She had one of those eggy thingys with coffee.
Datheria: My my, such the vrrroomantic you are.
Danny: Hey, forget aboutit! I work real hard to make sure she has a place to hang her damn hat! I shouldn’t have to keep trying to impress her once we’re living under the same roof and the ring is on her finger, right?
Datheria: You know, ven your mouth is not open, you could be a very attractive man…sort of. Or maybe not, who knows, I may be wrong, in fact I think I might be wrong, right?
Danny: What? I didn’t catch any of that.
Datheria: Yes, of course you didn’t catch any of that, I vasn’t pitching it slow enough for your brain…no? She proceeds to shuffle the cards, with wild, manic hand gestures. She closes her eyes, inhales deeply…then suddenly she throws back her head and starts to convulse in her chair.
Danny: Hey, hey there now, are you ok?
Datheria: (suddenly stops convulsing and casually resumes her card shuffle) I am fine. The spirits are just restless within. Anyvay…you are here to discover the truth of your vrrroomantic situation, correct? It is driving you to distraction. You must know…is she…? Or is she not…?
Danny: Alright then, let’s do it already!
Datheria: Oh no no no, my little owl dropping. You must never become impatient with the cards, for the fates will turn your world upside DOWN! As she yells the word down, the lamp (and lights) flicker…and a loud, ghostly groaning noise can be heard just offstage, in the shadows.
Danny: What the hell was THAT?
(In this next exchange, Danny pronounces Vase- vaaaz)
Datheria: I don’t know vhat that vas!
Danny: You what in the vase?
Datheria: No…I said I don’t know VHAT that VAS!
Danny: I still can’t understand you. Was that a breaking vase?
Datheria: I said I vas…(She then slips out of her accent, and proceeds with a normal, annoyed voice)…oh for love of spiritual peace and friggin’ unity, I said I don’t know what that sound was!
Danny jumps up from the table, pointing at Datheria and yelling.
Danny: You…you FRAUD! You don’t even HAVE an accent.
Datheria: Fine. You got me, Einstein. That amazingly accurate accent was totally bogus. But I can still really sense and see otherworldly things, THAT part is true.
She looks up at the ceiling.
Sometimes.
She clears her throat.
Once in a while.
She looks down at her hands, examining her nails. Finally she looks up at Danny.
Ok, twice, but the first time I’d eaten a bunch of mushrooms, so truthfully, I’m not really 100% on what I saw.
Danny: Is your name really even Datheria Moonbeam Dragonshield?
Datheria: Is ANYONE’S name EVER really Datheria Moonbeam Dragonshield?
Danny: So is anything about you on the up and up?
Datheria: A lot of things. But I think we should focus on our “guest” for the time being.
Danny: So what do we do? Do you have any holy water?
Datheria: Why, do you want me to baptize you?
Danny: No, for the presence, the ghost. For the thing making all the noise.
Datheria: You want me to baptize the thing making all the noise?
Danny: God woman, do you even know what you’re doing?
Datheria: Calm down. I mean, if you hadn’t noticed, I do own a tarot shop with lots of books, and since the bottom went out of the tarot and fortune telling business back in 2003, I’ve actually had quite a bit of time to read my own books. We simply need to find out what the spirit wants.
Danny: How do we do that?
Datheria: I think the best way is to probably start by asking. The groaning begins again, much louder this time, and we see finally see the figure of a man (ghostly in some cliche sort of way) emerge from the shadows on the side of the stage into view. (stage right or left is up to the director)
Datheria: Spirit, who are you? Why do you come here to this…she looks around her shop…realm? Is there anything I can do to help you on your spiritual journey?
HL: My name is Hodges Laramy, and I’m here to see my son, so we can just dispense with all the politically correct pleasantries. I’ve got a schedule to keep. Let’s go, tick tock!
Datheria: Wonderful. The second time I’ve ever seen a spirit, and it has to be an impatient jerk-off. Brilliant. She throws up her hands.
Danny: Pops? Is that you?
HL: Yeah boy, it’s me.
Danny motions to the only other empty seat.
Danny: You want to sit down?
HL: Nope, I’m hoping this won’t take long. I’m actually coming from Laverne’s.
Danny: “Laverne's?” Is that what they call heaven? Or hell in your case. I mean, you were a salty-mean, son-of-a-bitch.
HL: I’m not in hell, you idiot. And “Lavernes” is not heaven, you uneducated moron. Laverne’s is where I’m living, as in your soon-to-be-ex wife’s new place. That’s why I’m here. To tell you we’re moving in together.
Danny: What? What in the…Datheria! What the hell’s going on?
Datheria: Actually, my real name is Brenda…so you can start calling me that now, ok? I’m not one hundred percent here, but I think your dad came back from the dead to shack up with your soon-to-be-ex wife.
Danny: Isn’t that illegal or something? How is that even possible?
Datheria, now Brenda: I’m not really sure what the rules are, maybe you CAN come back if you want.
Danny: Well then, why doesn’t everyone just come back?
Datheria, now Brenda: Have you seen what’s going on in the world? The Planet’s on fire, and humans just sit around on their haunches roasting toxic, GMO marshmallows. Who in their dead, right minds would want to come back to this?
HL: Ok, I’ve heard enough of this liberal, snowflake, silk panty wearin’, sensitivity training crap! I told Laverne I’d take care of this…I did…now I’m off to pick her up at the airport.
Danny: The airport? Why the hell does a ghost need to fly on a plane?
HL: Grow up son, we’re headed to Mazatlan. Why the hell wouldn’t I fly?
HL moves away toward the shadows, and utters one last exaggerated ghostly wail.
Danny: Diphtheria…
Datheria, now Brenda: It’s Datheria, not Diphtheria, but it’s really just Brenda now.
Danny: Brenda…what the hell? Did my dead son-of-a-bitchin father just shack up with my soon-to-be-ex wife?
Datheria, now Brenda: Yes, he did. But look on the bright side.
Danny: The bright side?
Datheria, now Brenda: Yes, the bright side -she answers rather impatiently- it’s the side that faces the sun the longest. She fans out the tarot cards. Now pick a card, any card.
Danny: Fine, ok, this one. He points to a card, she picks it up with dramatic flourish and reads it out loud.
Datheria, now Brenda: It says here that you owe me $65 for today’s amazing, enlightening session. Danny abruptly stands up.
Danny: You’re charging me $65 to hear about my dead, son-of-a-bitchin’ dad shacking up with his soon-to-be-his-ex daughter-in-law, my now soon-to-be-ex wife? Take me to court! He angrily storms off the stage.
Datheria, now Brenda, looks down and smiles, humming as she gathers up the cards and stacks them next to the crystal ball. Then she stands up walks toward the front of the stage where she mimes turning a sign in a display window. The song “Another Pleasant Valley Sunday”, begins playing in the back ground.
Datheria, now Brenda: And zere goes anozer happy coostoomerrr who gets just vat he deserves.
She begins humming (or singing) along with the song.
The stage goes dark.
Fini