I have been putting pen to paper since I was a wee lass. Poems and Sci Fi short stories as well as songwriting and composing have all been a part of my life. But I never considered myself a writer. I was simply writing. Yes, for me there was a difference between the two. Someone who WAS a writer as opposed to someone who was simply WRITING had to do with whether or not they had been published. And I was in the not category.
Writing for me had been a major escape since my childhood and teen years were less than ideal. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and a young adult of dating and domestic violence, I desperately needed that escape into the realm of words to survive. And survive I did; thanks to journaling, poetry and songwriting. But still...I did not consider myself a writer. I was simply writing.
Fast forward to present time. Thanks to my dears, Steve and DeeJay, and a wonderful publisher named Mary, I now have a book. A real book. I am now among the ranks of those who have books people can actually purchase and read, should they choose to. Not to say they will buy my book, but it is available in case someone has the urge to take a long, dark look into my inner psyche. Bring a flashlight though, will you? It can get a bit shadowy in there.
But I digress. We were discussing writing, right? Well, writing has always been in my DNA. I will write until the day I die, whether or not I ever publish another word. Like I said, it's in my DNA. I'm wired that way. If I can not express my inner demons in the form of prose, poetry or song, they will devour me.
For myself, nothing is more relaxing then writing down the lines of a poem as I sit in the warm, morning sun...wait a minute! That's how it used to be. But things have changed. I am working on a second poetry collection, and I am actually scheduling writing time now. I'm writing daily, and not just when the mood hits me. I am actually forcing myself to write at least two poems a day, in addition to the other writing project I am currently attempting. So writing now feels a bit different for me. It's no longer just about healing. It's about...holy SHIT! People might READ this crap! And suddenly...I feel like...a writer...?
Poems of the Unrequited, Clinically Depressed Ghost Girl is making me feel an urgency to finish the next project as of yesterday. I don't want to be a one hit wonder. I'm suddenly scared that my words might dry up, that for the first time in my life...I won't be able to create that magic flow when my pen hits the paper, or my fingers tap on the keyboard...and folks...that thought scares the ever loving heck out of me.
So now...maybe at last...I am a writer, because all of the bells and whistles of panic and anxiety are finally setting in. Maybe I am on my way to becoming someone who weaves words into bright, blinding imagery that may possibly strike a chord with someone, somewhere, at some time. But being a writer and author can also be dangerous, for what could be more life threatening, more detrimental to someone who communicates most effectively through verse, than falling into that huge abyss known as...writer's block? (cue scary music.)
Brrrrrrrr. Sorry, just got a chill there for a moment. Maybe somebody walked over my grave and stepped on a poem. At any rate, this new found experience of being published has changed my writing protocol forever. Which is not a bad thing. After all, change is inevitable for continued evolution. For me, this opportunity just means I'll be working that much harder to challenge myself and raise the bar on my creative endeavors.
But the innocence...the I'm-in-the-moment-so-just-let-the-words-flow-baby...that kind of writing is only a small part of what I do from now on. Developing discipline is also a part of my writing curriculum, and every day (hopefully) I get a tish better at it.
Which I should...because, I'm a writer, right? I'm a writer who simply writes.